WILD ROSE (BOOK2)

Chapter Six: The Final Revelation

I stayed still and kept my hand fisted at my side, trying not to touch him.

Seeing Devon cry is not something I ever thought I would see, let alone be the reason behind it.

I didn’t know if he even realized that he’s crying.

How we went from a sweet conversation to a fvcking ginormous ride of emotions in the spare of a few minutes is beyond me.

But of course, I forgot the fact that throwing Devon in an equation, everything is possible.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

His pain.

His silence.

It’s excruciating.

“I should have been there to protect you.” He mumbled. He’s trying to tell this, more to himself. “I should have been there to protect our baby.”

He looked up, tears still pouring down his face. “Oh God!” He grabbed his hair out of desperation. “After all you went through. I put you through…” Hirap na pagpapatuloy nito. ”You must hate me so much.”

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I kept my silence. I didn’t even think, he’s waiting for my reply.

“It was all my fault!” He choked a sob and let out a sombre laugh. “God! I didn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you do.”

“I abandoned you when you needed me the most.”

“I destroyed your life.”

“I’m sorry mine. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He mumbled with so much pain and desperation in his voice.

For hours, ang tanging narinig ko lang eh yung paulit-ulit na paghingi nito ng tawad.

I stared at him, feeling my heart squeeze painfully in my chest.

A pang of guilt shot through me.

I took a deep breath.

What happened in the past was not really his entire fault.

He may be the reason for my action that night.

But it was me who killed them both.

I decided to tell him what really happened. “It was my fault.” I told him.

I looked away from him and stared at the sea. The tranquil waters were replaced by a raging waves na para bang nakikisabay yung alon ng dagat sa nararamdaman ko ngayon.

 “Brandon shielded me with his own body before the truck hit us. That was the reason why I’m still alive and why he’s not.”

I closed my eyes as the memories of the past flashed before me.

I was depressed that time because of Devon. Nakita ko to sa mall kung saan kami namimili ng gamit ni Brandon.

Devon was smiling and laughing with his friends. He seems so happy. Na para bang wala tong pakialam sa naging pagkawala ko.

At nang makita ko yon, hindi ko napigilan na hindi makaramdam ng awa para sa sarili ko.

I was hurt.

I hated him!

I despised him!

I loathed him!

But the most ironic of all?

I hate myself for still loving someone like him.

 “We’re arguing about something.”

More like, I’m screaming at Brandon’s face for convincing me to talk to Devon so I can finally move on.

Napansin kasi nito kung paano ako naapektuhan nang makita ko si Devon kahit ano pa yung ginawa kong pagtatago.

Brandon insisted that I will never move on unless I settle my problems with Devon.

He kept pushing me to admit out loud that I’m still hopelessly in love with the man who ditched me.

Which of course, I denied.

I’m just being stubborn.

But then after a few minutes of nonstop arguing, my camouflage slipped away.

I went ballistic.

I went hysterical for all the wrong reasons.

I swallowed the lump on my throat and clenched my hands, they were shaking. “Suddenly out of nowhere, a truck hit us.”

I actually didn’t see it coming.

Ang natatandaan ko lang eh yung biglang pagyakap sakin ni Brandon, flash of lights and then pain.

Everything went black after that.

The next thing I know, nakahiga na ako sa hospital bed habang hindi ko magalaw yung buong katawan ko.

I was searching for Brandon and they freaking told me he’s ok.

I asked about my baby and again, they freaking told me that everything was ok.

But the next day, they finally told me the truth that Brandon didn’t make it and I lost my baby.

And that’s when I finally lost it.

For months, I didn’t utter a single word.

But thanks to Sigrid.

I still eat.

I still drink.

I’m still breathing.

I’m still alive.

And how I hate myself for that.

How I wish it was me.

Brandon didn’t deserve to die.

But I deserved it.

For a long time, I blamed myself for being so stupid and naive.

I blame myself for being so weak.

I blamed myself for crying and being scared when I learned that I was pregnant. For thinking about abortion.

I blame myself for simply breathing.

I’m a monster.

 A murderer.

No matter how much they convince me otherwise. I know in my heart and in my mind, I killed him.

I killed both of them.

No matter how many sessions of therapy I went through, it didn’t help.

Because no matter how much they tried, they could never help me.

I’m too broken.

I’m way beyond repair.

After a few months of being wasted, my parents sent me away.

I think I embarrassed them too much. And long enough.

They’re both humiliated by my “scandalous act”.

My stuck up father thinks I’m a disappointment. An embarrassment for his “respectable name”.

My perfectionist mom thinks I’m a slut for getting pregnant at a very young age. Though, nineteen is not that young.

To top it all, they both think, I’m crazy.

Well I’m not.

I’m definitely not crazy.

I just didn’t know how to cope with what I lost.

Sending me to U.S, the state of my mind and my body worsened.

Well, at first.

Taon din yung nakalipas bago ako nakatulog nang maayos ng hindi nagigising ng dahil sa bangungot.

And then when I can pretend that everything was back to normal. That I’m normal, which of course, an absolute joke and big fat lie, I met Robbie.

After that, my lie seems to be not so lie anymore.

Robbie and I were both similar.

We’re both the black sheep of the family.

We’re both hated by our parents.

And the most important part?

We both had a twisted life.

In his unconscious and unhealthy way, he helped me.

The next few years, the memories of Brandon and my baby look like a distance past.

I buried them.

I buried them in the deepest corner of my mind and heart.

I locked the door, threw the key and moved on.

But that’s just a make-believe and now, everything is coming back, blowing my mind and flurrying all my emotions.

Because in reality, hindi naman talaga ako nakapag move on.

I’m still stuck at the moment where Brandon left me.

Blaming myself for living.

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