SEIS.
“Where are you going?” saad ni Van. Tumigil siya sa pagpipinta at pinasadahan ako ng tingin nang tangkain ko na lumabas mula sa Art Room.
“It’s lunch time,” turo ko sa orasan. “I just want to eat with Bre.”
“No, you are gonna eat with me,” pigil niya.
“C’mon, Van. I am just going to eat,” reklamo ko. “I am not going to run from you or hide from you because you made it clear to me, to us, what you can actually do.”
I glared at him. Gusto ko muling kunin ang cutter at tuluyang patayin siya ngunit hindi ko na ginawa.
“I’ll be at the cafeteria,” dagdag ko. “What? Do you wanna join us for you to agree?”
“Come back after an hour,” saad niya at bumalik na uli sa pagpipinta.
Mabilis akong lumabas dahil baka magbago pa ang isip niya. Dumiretso ako sa cafeteria kung saan naghihintay si Bre. Inis na inangat niya ang kanyang ulo ng umupo ako sa tabi niya.
“Wow, finally! Pinayagan ka?” sarkastikong sabi niya. “Good for you.”
“I think I will just go back if you’re gonna mock me,” irap ko.
“Are you okay?” pag-aalalang tanong niya. “Hindi ka naman ba niya sinasaktan?” Chineck ni Bre ang braso ko, maging ang aking mga binti.
Tumango ako. “I’m fine, Bre. Let’s just eat, okay?”
Hindi na muling umimik pa si Bre at nagsimula na kaming kumain. Sinubukan ko na ubusin ang aking pagkain pero wala talaga akong gana. I don’t have any motivation at all. Nabubuhay na lang ako, nagigising na lang ako kasi feeling ko yon ang dapat.
Sino ba naman ang gaganahang magising araw-araw kung si Van ang kasama mo?
“How’s Marco?” hindi ko napigilang tanong. “Is he okay?”
Ilang linggo rin akong walang balita kay Marco pagkatapos ng nangyari. Van was supposed to kill us, or he did try to kill us pero hindi niya nagawa. At the end, we ended up hurting him, mas okay nga sana kung natuluyan namin siya kaso wala e, masamang damo talaga.
Van was rushed to the hospital and so is Marco. Since nagkaroon ng blood clot sa head ni Van dahil sa lakas ng pagkakatama niya sa pader nang mag-agawan sila ni Marco sa cutter. Marco, on the other hand, contained laceration sa stomach niya because of Van’s stab.
As for me, okay naman ako maliban sa mga bruises at wound na natanggap ko sa katawan ko.
Because of what happened, Van filed a case against us, well Marco. He accused us of frustrated homicide even though it was self-defense. I actually wanted to fight against it, like finally I can fight him, but I don’t know. Van just know how to twist things and evidence kaya naman madali siyang pinanigan ng korte. Mind you, masyadong mabilis ang batas sa kanya na kaya niya na agad ipakulong si Marco in an instant and I was like…wow!
But of course, I will never let that happen. I dragged Marco in that position kaya kasalanan ko yon. Wala sana siya sa posisyon na yon kung hindi ko siya pinapunta sa condo ko. I know Van also thought na hindi ko hahayaan na malagay si Marco sa posisyon na.
Van, then, offered to drop the case if I would become his prisoner. Like literally, means, I have to live with him, do everything he says, and of course I should never leave him like forever. It was really hard for me at first, pero pumayag na rin ako. Kaysa naman masira ko ang buhay ni Marco. Magiging ganon din naman ‘e kahit na hindi ako pumayag. Maybe, I should really focus on helping Van. Hanggang ngayon kasi, ang tanga ko pa rin, para maniwala na baka dala lang yon ng trauma sa kanya and in time kapag napapayag ko siya for therapy ay magiging okay siya.
I am trying, but every time I try, he’s killing me.
“Yeah, he’s fine. He actually want to reach you kaso hindi niya magawa,” bulong ni Bre. “He told me if you have time. He’s waiting lang sa tambayan niyo,” mahinang sambit niya dahil hindi kami sigurado ni Bre sa kung sino ba ang espiya ni Van sa mga taong nakapaligid sa amin.
“Yeah, okay,” I nodded.
“What’s your plan? Jake’s asking too,” dagdag ni Bre habang patuloy siya sa pagkain. “Ano, forever mo na lang bang kasama si Van ha?” she said, frustrated. Hindi naman nakakapagtaka yon dahil kahit ako ay bwiset na bwiset na sa mga desisyon ko sa buhay.
“It’s still a plan,” I answered. “Sasama pa rin ako kay Jake. After graduation, I am really doing it. I am going to leave no matter what,” siguradong sabi ko. I only have three months to prepare. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko pero I will do it.
“I’m here to help,” Bre hugged me. “Just call me.
“Thanks.”
Days went by. I’m still stuck si Van na tipong pati ang pagpunta ko sa c.r ay susundan niya ako. Ni ang pagligo ko nga ay kailangan kasabay ko siya. Like, I am really a prisoner. LITERALLY! I can’t do something about it or somehow I don’t want to do something. Gusto ko na lang guma-drate at tapusin ang school. After that, I don’t know. May mga plans ako pero sobrang hirap isipin dahil baka hindi naman matupad.
Am I really going to be with Van forever? Okay lang sana if willing siya na magbago but he’s just Van. One moment, mabait siya at madaling kausap then after that he’s back to his demonic side na minsan gusto ko na ipalamon sa kanya ung mga gamot ng baliw. I even bought medicine to sedate him at nilagay ko na lang sa bottle of paracetamol para naman hindi halata. Natatakot kasi ako sa kanya.
Sa tuwing titingnan ko siya ay wala na akong pagmamahal na nararamdaman. I’m just afraid of him. Or maybe there is still love, hindi naman agad iyon mawawala ‘e. It’s just he’s no longer worth it for that. Puro sakit na lang ang binigay niya sa akin.
Hindi ko na siya naiintindihan.
Tulad ngayon. He’s so nice na natatakot ako dahil isang maling galaw ko lang ay maaari siyang sumabog.
“I cooked breakfast,” he greeted me with a smile pagkalabas ko ng kwarto. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” ngumiti ako bilang tugon at sinubukang pasiglahin ang sarili ko.
He hugged me from behind. “I love you,” malambing niyang bulong.
“I love you too, Van…” I replied.
Mahal ko siya pero sobrang sakit na talaga.
“Wow, thanks for the pancake. Tara kain na tayo,” bago ko man maisubo yong pancake ay bigla na lamang akong naduwal.
Agad akong napatakbo sa sink para sumuka. Ramdam ko yong panananakit ng ulo ko.
“Hey, what – Aleya!”
Nawalan ako ng malay.
Paggising ko ay nasa ospital na ako.
Masayang mukha ni Van ang sumalubong sa akin pagdilat ko ng aking mga mata. Sobrang saya niya na tipong kahit kailan ay hindi siya naging masama. Tila ba nagbalik uli yong Van na nakilala at minahal ko noon lalo nang sabihin niya sa akin ang mga katagang hindi ko hiniling na marinig.
“We’re having a baby!” He kissed my forehead.
I pretended I was so happy, but all I could think about is how to kill the baby inside me or maybe how to kill Van.
—
Contrary to what I was thinking or maybe imagining, Van was really happy. For weeks, since he knew about our baby ay wala akong nakitang negative vibes sa kanya. He was really working hard para maging okay ako at ang anak niya dahil sinabi ng doktor na maselan ang pagbubuntis ko. Mabuti na nga lang daw at hindi ako sinukuan ng baby ko nang mga panahong puro stress ang nararanasan ko. Sana nga sumuko na lang siya dahil ayoko ring maranasan ang stress na nararanasan ko ngayon.
Van became the old Van, the caring Van and for some reasons, I somehow saw a fatherly figure in him. Iyon bang possible na maging mabuti siya uli pero hindi ko talaga alam. Nagiging maingat na lang ako sa mga ginagawa at sinasabi ko dahil ayoko na ma-trigger siya uli.
“Have you drink milk na ba?” tanong niya habang nagpipinta ako. “How’s my baby?” hinaplos niya ang aking tummy. “I hope you are doing well. I’m excited to see you,” hinalikan niya ang tummy ko bago tumungo ang labi niya sa mga labi ko.
“Should we start thinking about names?”
“Ah, yeah,” sagot ko. “What do you want ba?”
Nakangiting umupo siya sa tabi ko at nagsimulang mag-isip.
“We still don’t know about the gender, but I’m getting ideas. I want it to be a boy. Ikaw ba?”
I shrugged. “I’m fine with anything, Van.”
“Why does it seems to me…” nagsimula ng tumaas ang boses niya dahil para mapatigil ako. “I am the only one interested here.”
“Uhm,” humarap ako sa kanya. “I’m just not feeling well,” umakto ako na masama ang pakiramdam sabay hawak sa tummy ko.
“What? What happened?”
“I guess, some contractions,” pagsisinungaling ko when I am actually fine.
“Tch, stop what you are doing and get rest,” utos niya. Inalis niya lahat ng art materials sa harapan ko. “Go to bed. I’ll finish all your art projects.”
“No, it’s okay…”
“IT’S NOT OKAY,” sigaw niya.
I parted my lips in shock. Sht. Magagalit na naman ba siya? I felt my legs shaking and my hands felt numb.
“Sorry,” I started crying which is kinda effective as of the moment.
“Hush, sorry, mahal,” he hugged me. “I didn’t mean to. C’mon, let’s get you to the bed,” he gently held me na mas lalong nagpaiyak sa akin.
I think it was because of the hormones or sadyang na-miss ko lang talaga ang ganitong side ni Van and I prayed na sana maging ganito na uli siya. We could really be a happy family if this will continue.
I would trade anything to have the old Van back.
“Do you need anything?” he stared at me. “I’ll give anything you want.”
For a second, I thought of saying give my freedom back to me. But of course, that would trigger Van.
“How are you, Van?” hindi ko napigilang tanong. “How’s the therapy?”
Pumikit na lang ako at naghanda sa kung ano man ang gagawin niya. I expected na magagalit siya, but to my surprise, he started telling me some things.
“I started hypnotherapy because they told me I have a split personality,” he smiled a little. “I figured out I needed it especially at sobrang daming sakit na ang dinulot ko sayo. “Uhm. You want to join me tomorrow for another session?”
“Yeah, sure,” masayang sambit ko and this time I am not really faking it.
“Yeah. Bre was the one who recommended the guy. It’s a long process, but you’ll be with me forever, right? So, I can do it.”
“Yes, yes, of course.”
I kissed him in the forehead. “I’m here.”
I will be there for him, but I am not sure until when.
Kinabukasan, we went to the hospital for his therapy.
Hindi na ako nakialam pa ay hinihintay ko na lamang si Van na matapos habang naglilibot-libot ako sa pasilyo ng hospital. Tapos na rin ako magpa-check-up and there seems to be nothing wrong with the baby which sometimes I hope there is.
Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for the baby because it’s a blessing. If it’s the old Van, I would probably be jumping out and screaming in happiness ’cause it is him that will become the father of my child. Ngunit hindi ko magawang maging masaya ngayon dahil walang kasiguraduhan ang Van na kaharap ko.
I stopped thinking of the future with him when he became like that. Buo na rin ang desisyon ko na iwanan siya and with this baby, mukhang mas lalong bumaba ang chance na makaalis sa puder niya.
Gusto kong manatili pero pagod na ako. Pagod na akong umasa na magiging ayos ang lahat. Gusto ko na magkaroon ng bagong buhay ng malayo kay Van. Sa totoo lang, I am still sticking with him dahil gusto kong malaman kung ano ang koneksyon niya o ng pamilya niya sa pagkamatay ng mga magulang.
Nang malaman ko ang totoo niyang apelyido ay nagsimula na akong mag-research at hinalungkat ko lahat ng naiwang gamit ng mga magulang ko. Jake even remembered that my parents were working in Italy before. If I heard it right, it was under Van’s family. Noong una ay tinanggap ko na aksidente lang ang plane crash, but then ngayon parang gusto kong isipin na sinadya nga na patayin ang mga magulang ko.
But what is this? Coincidence lang ba? Alam ba ‘to ni Van bago niya ako makilala o nalaman niya noong nakilala na niya ako? Ang daming tanong na hindi ko magawang sagutin dahil natatakot ako sa pwedeng gawin ni Van. Kung noon ko pa sana ito nalaman ay baka makakakuha ako ng kasagutan.
For now, wala. Blanko. Sana hindi ko na lang nalaman pa para hindi ako naguguluhan dahil matagal ko ng tinanggap na aksidente ang pagkamatay ng magulang ko. But, if they are really working under Van’s family in Italy, then what? Parte ba sila ng mafia or servant sila? Damn! I really don’t know. Hindi ko sila madalas makita dahil minsan lang sila umuwi kaya wala akong idea. I don’t even want to open it again kasi tapos na…but it kept on bugging me.
“Aleya,” nagulat ako sa biglaang pagdating ni Van.
“Hey,” I smiled. “How was it?”
“I don’t know. Still nothing. I mean, the therapist told me she can’t get anything from me. But also, advised me to continue my medicine.”
I nodded. “Good. That’s nice. You can do it.”
“Of course. I have you,” Van held my hand. “C’mon, I prepared something for you.”
“What?” taas-kilay kong tanong.
“Something you would love,” he smiled and kissed my forehead. “Babawi ako ‘di ba? Let me start by doing this.”
“What?”
Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa labi ni Van hanggang sa makarating kami sa parking lot. I kept on asking what, naging makulit na nga ako pero nanatili pa rin siyang nakangiti. I can’t help but smile too lalo na alam ko sa sarili ko na minsan na lang uli siya maging ganito. Lulubusin ko na.
“I think I want a…” nag-isip ako.
“What do you want, mahal?”
“You,” I teased.
I heard him chuckle. Saglit siyang tumingin sa akin bago ibalik ang tingin sa daan. “You’re teasing me, Aleya,” hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. “It’s working…”
I laughed.
“Don’t push me. I’m gonna stop the car here in this moment and will–“
“Okay, okay,” pigil ko. “I’m kidding. Now, drive and bring me to that surprise you are talking about.”
“Lagot ka sa akin mamaya,” banta niya and for the first time iyon talaga yong banta niya na napangiti na lang ako.
Kung nanaginip lang ako, sana hindi na ako magising pa because this is such a beautiful dream I don’t want to end.
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